Don’t Be Fooled By Diddy’s “Apology”
What Abuse Experts Hear That You May Not
TW: images and descriptions of domestic abuse, face of Sean “Diddy” Combs
Last week the public got an inside peek into the actions of a horrendously abusive man — P. Diddy, Puff Daddy, Sean “Diddy” Combs — through a video where he physically assaulted his then girlfriend, Cassie Ventura.
The assault was brutal.
Combs chased her, punched her in the back of the head, kicked her multiple times while she lay motionless on the ground, then threw vases at her. This was all apparently after he had already punched her in the face and she was simply attempting to escape by running to the elevator.
The events on the video corroborate a legal complaint Cassie filed in November 2023 and which was quickly settled by Combs. And today, after the video was made public, but many years after it occurred and then was later documented in the legal complaint, Combs published an “apology” video on his instagram.
But is he actually sorry for his abuse or just sorry he got caught?
And how can you tell?
Survivors of domestic abuse, those who counsel survivors or have participated in domestic abuse support groups, and abuse advocates know a key fact about abuse and abusers — the pattern Cassie described in her complaint, and what we saw in the video, is just that — A PATTERN.
Cassie Ventura’s legal complaint details a long list and a decade long pattern of Combs’ behavior, of which this particular assault is only one example. Specifically, she describes being raped and sexually assaulted by Combs, as well as being constantly psychologically abused and otherwise controlled and intimidated by him. These patterns break down a victim until they often become a shell of their former selves, with their identity stripped from them, in a profile called learned helplessness. It keeps victims in the relationship.
Abusers don’t abuse because they get angry. They don’t abuse because of alcohol or other substances. They don’t abuse because they’ve become rich or famous. They don’t abuse once and never do it again. And they don’t stop because they go to therapy or rehab.
Instead, abuse is a mindset based on entitlement, power, and control. The mindset is formed early in life and is incredibly difficult to change once an abuser reaches adulthood.
The only way that anger, substances, money, and fame even possibly contribute to their abuse is that they free the abuser to be more of who they already were because those things help them either (1) justify or excuse their actions or (2) avoid accountability for those actions.
Physical abuse, while horrible to watch, is just one small part of an abusive relationship. The broader spectrum of behaviors including various tactics used to exert power and control — economic abuse, sexual abuse, intimidation, coercion and threats, isolation, emotional abuse, gendered privilege, using children, and minimizing/denying/blaming. A narrow understanding of what constitutes abuse, by victims themselves as well as friends, family, helpers, and the media, often contributes to victims not realizing they are in an abusive relationship for years or even decades.
Read: How to Be a Friend to an Abuse Survivor
An abusive mindset takes decades to shift or change, even for the very small percentage of abusers who are willing to look at themselves, take responsibility for their actions, and make amends.
In such cases, and again, it is an infinitesimally small percentage based on my experience and that of experts in the field, there are characteristics that mark true repentance and change.
So let’s break down Combs’ “apology” and see what’s really happening here. Then let’s talk about what true repentance looks and feels like.
I’m not going to post the apology itself and give him more views on his instagram, but I will quote his exact words from the video.
The Timing of Combs‘ Apology
This is the first time we’ve heard him apologize for his abusive behavior. In fact, previously, he flatly DENIED that he did these things. In November 2023, after the lawsuit was filed by Cassie Ventura, and others made allegations related to abuse and sex trafficking, Combs’ statement on instagram was, “Let me be absolutely clear: I did not do any of the awful things being alleged.”
He didn’t apologize after this assault occurred in March 2016 (in fact, Cassie alleged that he paid the hotel $50,000 for the video we’ve all now seen; kudos to the leaker). He did not apologize after Cassie sued him in 2023 or after the FBI raided his homes. Denials, denials, denials. He only apologized after the video became public and there was no way to deny it or downplay it.
He apologized once he was “caught.”
Blame-shifting in Diddy’s Apology
Although Combs states that he takes full responsibility for his actions “in that video,” he attempts to shift the blame to many other potential contributing factors. He calls it one of the “darkest times” in his life. He says he “was fucked up” and hit “rock bottom.” He says he went to therapy and rehab, suggesting that misunderstanding himself and substances were the problem.
The “I’m Better Now” Message
After apologizing only once caught, and attempting to shift the blame to other factors, he emphasizes statements that suggest he’s better now and will continue to get better. He notes that he’s gone to therapy and rehab and he’s trying to be a better man.
Read: The Last Step in Healing From An Abusive Relationship May Be the Hardest
What’s Missing
Combs doesn’t admit that he lied in his previous denials. He doesn’t admit that it’s a pattern of behavior, instead suggesting the video depicted an isolated event, a dark time in his life, or was caused by other factors. He tries to say that he was disgusted at the time he brutally beat Cassie Ventura and he is disgusted now, but he admits nothing other than what is conclusively established by the video. He doesn’t apologize to his victim or name the harm that his behavior, his denials, and his coverup have likely caused her, her family, and her career.
How Do We Identify True Repentance?
Signs of true repentance include:
- Naming the harm: Repentance names the specific harms committed, the impact they’ve had, and their victims (not by name if that would further harm them). It is not a general apology.
- Humility: Repentance acknowledges themselves as the wrongdoer and does not seek sympathy, but instead focuses on those they have wronged. It does not demand trust, a position of authority, or reconciliation.
- Transparency / full confession: Repentance identifies harmful actions otherwise not already known or proven. It invites questions and accepts skepticism. It is an open book.
- Seeking accountability and accepting consequences: Repentance invites others to hold them accountable and actively makes efforts to be transparent and open. Repentance doesn’t push back on consequences and realizes that the road to being believed that their repentance is real is likely a very long one, commensurate with their harm. In the case of domestic abuse, that can be decades of humble, changed behavior. Repentance doesn’t make claims that consequences are unfair or taking too long.
- Willing and eager to make amends to those they harmed: Repentance understands that those they’ve harmed should be made whole and seeks to understand what they need and is flexible in amends appropriate to individual victims, as people.
The full text of Diddy’s “apology”:
It’s so difficult to reflect on the darkest times in your life.
Sometimes you gotta do that.
I was fucked up.
I mean, I hit rock bottom, but I make no excuses.
My behavior on that video is inexcusable.
I take full responsibility for my actions in that video.
I’m disgusted.
I was disgusted then when I did it; I’m disgusted now.
I went and I sought out professional help.
Had to go into therapy and go into rehab.
Had to ask God for his mercy and grace.
I’m so sorry.
But I’m committed to be a better man each and every day.
I’m not asking for forgiveness.
I’m truly sorry.
******
Melissa J. Hogan is a trauma-informed attorney with Qavah Law in Tennessee. She advises individuals and organizations on matters related to interpersonal and institutional abuse, and performs investigations of allegations of abuse and assessments of organizational culture, particularly in communities of faith. She is admitted to practice in Tennessee state courts, the Middle District of Tennessee, and the Sixth Circuit Court of Appeals.
She is also the co-author of “Afraid of the Doctor: Every Parent’s Guide to Preventing and Managing Medical Trauma,” and writes and speaks on trauma, abuse, rare disease, and clinical trials.
